my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
