my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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