so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
