Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
