were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
