Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
May the power of my ass compel you!!
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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