i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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