The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
