Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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