Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize
