New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize