Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
