i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
