gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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