Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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