He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
