Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
