So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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