So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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