Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
