If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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