apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
