Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I need moral support for this bender
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
