my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
