god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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