Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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