I think I died a long time ago.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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