that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
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