I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
