I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
