evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
