I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Randomize
