i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
