I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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