I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
