just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Randomize
