Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
