I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
