I just pynch a tree in the face
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
