Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
