I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize