Your mouth is God's brothel.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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