All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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