Can i not drive my cunt home
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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