even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
