I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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