Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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