Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize