I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
