I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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