I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize