if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
