if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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