I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
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