my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
